Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
