I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
