were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
