insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
