There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
