she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
