either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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