so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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