I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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