Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
