I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize