the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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