Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
