:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles