i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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