I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.