Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.