Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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