I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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