i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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