I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
