You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Less talking, more tequila
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
