Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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