She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
