just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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