Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
