My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
