The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
