So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
