Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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