I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
