How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
