I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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