how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
