i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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