I will die if light touches me.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
