Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
