I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
