Four minutes until I can fart!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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