I wanna passion pit in your ass
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
