I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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