The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
