I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
