WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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