ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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