I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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