i will never coherently bang her
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
