Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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