so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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