my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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