I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
