wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
