life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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