3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
