Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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