Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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