Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
