I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
