Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
