I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
