omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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