If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
