Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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