So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
