If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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