Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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